(Growing Pains)

Welcome to several paragraphs that will not entertain you. They are, however, a useful tool to fall asleep. I just need to type because I feel lonely somehow and bored.

Stuff on my mind hmm...

Well God stuff clearly. God to me is like Edward to Bella (Go me! I got it for Christmas and I bought New Moon yesterday :P)

Yeah.. Four residents passed away at work in the 3 days before and 1 day after Christmas. Two ladies that passed away, I didn't really know. I wish I had got to know them but I suppose we can't really get to know everyone because it is rather impossible. A gentleman that passed away was always so polite and grateful for his meals and such, I didn't know him much better than the other two, but I knew him well enough to know he was lovely. I also knew his favourite day was Christmas. He passed away 11pm Christmas Eve. :(

The thing mostly on my mind is a lady that I got to know very well. She was very lonely, I know. She was a Jewish lady and had been a prisoner during WW2. She escaped and lived by herself in the jungle for a long time. I'm not sure when or how she came to Australia but she did. She had a very hard life and I can't help but be angry that she is gone. She was one of the most strong-willed people I know but also one of the most humble and walked over. I have to pray that she has gone to heaven and that God's justice works like that, or else I would probably fall into some mentally unstable state, which I know I struggle to get out of. And whenever I hear other staff assuring me she has gone to heaven I am so confused.

I don't know. I think I am overdue for another mental breakdown. I haven't had one since June! *sighs dramatically* I think if God can pull me through this one then I am set. Like the other day when I was talking to Ben, I suppose if a year ago I had seen where I would be (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) now, I probably wouldn't have believed it. But I find some kind of satisfaction in being able to say I haven't self-harmed since March and my weekly breakdowns stopped in like February and I haven't totally lost it since June.

2008 was definitely a growth year for me. Certainly not physically (I have not grown since I was thirteen) but in every other way possible I have grown. To recap my 2008: New year's started at Alyssa's and then to Kyrie's. I feel kinda down when I think that I don't hang out with these kids anymore but idk.. I was never one to settle.. I'm too strange for that. But yes, they are awesome people. Then when school started back I started to hang out more with the guys in my homegroup. *shrugs*

Then, in the beginning of February part#1 of my growth year occured. Youth Opportunties.
I'm not sure how I feel about that program. In many ways it helped. In many ways it didn't. I suppose that overall it was a fantastic program but there was no God in it, which did confuse me (at a later stage). On March 16th, I had one of the least reasonable but biggest breakdowns I think I may have ever had. Also the only spazz of self harming that didn't involve tools. I used my nails. I used myself to harm myself and that makes me very sad to think about. Through April I went back to my year 8 self, hanging out with people who were very clearly a bad influence on me. May was not so bad. I broke away from those people. June... Well. Perhaps it was exam stress. I know a large part of it was that YO had taught me that I was the most important person and thing in my life but I was beginning to realize that God should take this place not myself. Whatever caused it, I broke down. I didn't hurt myself. I don't know how. Perhaps my finally turning to God for real stopped that. But still, I pushed all those close to me as far away as I could. I, for whatever reasn, seemed to think that to follow God, every other part of my life was to be removed, but I know now that I was a very silly little girl who only ended up hurting herself and others. *more dramatic sighs*

I suppose the rest of July August September were indifferent. I had fun things like Ski Trip and going to Queensland. Then, at the end of September I went on a camp with the Youth Group that I sometimes attended. I learnt alot, forged new friendships. It was only 48 hours. But I think it was of my favourite 48 hours ever. So throughout the last quarter of the year I grew, I matured, and God become what would be 'the most googled thing' if my mind was a search engine. And now, at the beginning of a new page, a new chapter, I am content. 2008 had my lowest lows. But because of those I am now sitting on my highest of highs.

2008 was my growth year. And now I look at my lows and know they were nessecary, no matter how painful. They were my growing pains.

As earlier stated, not very interesting, and there is no need for me to post this blog. I will anyway. But this was for me to let of steam. And now I do feel good inside somehow.
And you shall call this gooey warmness Jesus.
Ah. Don't mind me. I'm a freak =D

Love.